With the race to be the next supreme leader of the desiccated, post-apocalyptic husk of the Earth heating up, we bring you the runners and riders who could be your next…. God-King!
Dave, 71, from rural New Hampshire
What Dave lacks in legislative experience he makes up for in being one of the few remaining elderly white men. Energising our young workforce (many of whom will have to be born first, as part of our repopulation efforts) will be key to getting the economy back on track, and Dave’s signature brand of aggressive, curmudgeonly dogmatism could be the perfect way to get our new workers out of the crèches and into the factories.
Having survived both the dreaded Long Plague outbreak and the ten years immediately following the second World War, Dave has seen all manner of hardship. Being an elderly white man riding the wave of a boom economy is no mean feat. Dave’s biggest hurdle will be overcoming the public’s impression that he is “here for a shouty time, not a long time”.
Pundits say: “Elderly voters are known to turn-out in greater numbers than the young. With 99.9% of the global electoral franchise destroyed by plague, Dave’s willingness to vote for himself could be key” — Washington Post.
Karl, 29, Oslo
Oxford. The Sorbonne. Harvard.
Those are just three of the universities where 29-year-old Karl acquired degrees during the millennia when such achievements carried any sort of societal worth. He speaks a half dozen (now extinct) languages, and his advanced engineering qualifications will come in handy if/when the remaining 94 people complete the reindustrialization of Earth. He stands primarily on a manifesto platform of returning the world to a state where his accomplishments matter.
Charges of smugness have dogged him throughout the campaign, especially when, having been accused of being part of the 1%, he retorted that would make him “only 94% of a person”. Additionally, revelations that he received an unopened tin of baked beans have led to accusations that he is in the pocket of Big Bean.
Pundits say: “Karl is part of the prelapsarian political establishment. But is that really what voters want from the man who will sit on the Giant Sandcastle?” — Die Welt.
Yuriko, 51, New Tokyo
Progressives worldwide have united behind Yuriko, the tremendously impressive female politician who rebuilt Tokyo from the ashes with nothing but a serving spoon and a copy of Construction for Dummies (ダミーのための建設). Three decades in the political crucible of the reconstruction project make her overqualified to be the first female God-King, and her supporters say her election would smash the glass ceiling.
Detractors, however, say that the glass ceiling metaphor no longer makes sense in a world without the technological capacity to fire liquid sand to 1700°C. Others note that the apocalypse occurred within 100 years of female enfranchisement, having not happened once during the previous eons of masculine solo rule.
Pundits say: “Yuriko is the only candidate in the field with significant law-making experience. Yet she lacks that indefinable quality that gives a politician the balls to man-up and tackle the bull by the penis” — Chapo Trap House.
Männlich the Mighty, age unknown, the shadowlands
In these uncertain times, many lower income voters without a college education crave the stability offered under the yoke of Männlich the Mighty. His experiences living in the shadowlands (where cockroaches fear to brave the light of day and nothing grows from the earth but scraggly watercress) make him the perfect candidate for non-urban voters.
Männlich the Mighty’s preference for violence over discourse has proven extremely popular, though it is not without its critics. Ultimately voters will have to decide at the ballot box whether they value so-called ‘free speech’ over the security offered by the long arm of Männlich the Mighty.
Pundits say: “Männlich is one of the most nuanced political operators of the decade, and all of us here in his dungeon fully support his nomination. All hail Männlich the Mighty!” — The Daily Telegraph
Sylvia, 34, the McMurdo Station, Antarctica
Sylvia is your classic anti-establishment political voice. She doesn’t get involved in the Washington and Westminster horse trading that we all know and hate, instead preferring to stoically continue her, now pointless, research into the Antarctic ice sheet.
Critics have accused her of being disconnected from the reality of our post-apocalyptic society, but unfortunately communications with the McMurdo Station are currently down and Sylvia has not been able to respond. Her devoted fans have intuited a cutting yet witty response.
Pundits say: “She may well be dead” — La Naciòn.